Glowing with Hod

Reflections on Reb Zalman's and Reb Marcia's Talks
at the Annual OHALAH Conference in Boulder, CO,

Jan 9th, 2007

Yesterday morning-that was Tuesday, Jan. 9th, 2007-was a radiant and historic time in Boulder, CO. I felt so truly blessed to have been there as a participant and as a witness. The only metaphor that comes to my mind right now is being amongst the generation that stood at the foot of Har Sinai saying "We will do and we will hear!"

Reb Zalman spoke to us about many things having to do with ahavat klal Yisrael, the observance of Shabbat, the need for a re-enchantment of Jewish life, the importance of a personal daily prayer-practice, the longing of so many Jews for joy in their davenning...and then, after a playful rendition of the conventional musical motif that precedes a scary dramatic moment in a cop- or suspense-thriller, he took a deep breath and told us he was about to speak about a very difficult and painful topic. And that was the topic of sexual mores and inappropriate relationships amongst our leaders and teachers, and in particular, to address the topic of his own past. He said he had much teshuvah to do, that he has tried to make whatever takkanot he could, but that if there is still anyone who feels they have been hurt by past encounters, let them come to him and he will beg their forgiveness. He also spoke of how things look different to us today in a post-AIDS world than they did in the 60's, when "free love" was part of the "sexual revolution."

There is no way I can depict how moving, cleansing, releasing and redemptive this moment was for so many of us there. Many of us cried our eyes out! After he was through with his own viddui, Reb Zalman spoke of Shlomo, and of what joy Reb Shlomo had brought into the Jewish world, and that, despite his failings-which were serious-how much love and good he had done... We can do more good in the world through gratitude and appreciation for Reb Shlomo, even while taking notice of the "shadows" that we, with a raised consciousness about these matters, want to avoid on our own watch. No, we should not ignore or minimize the pain of the victims of this genius' shadow side. But we would do well to have a little more humility toward this man who loved God and klal Yisrael, and perhaps because of his uniqueness and genius, may have been frequently in pain and very lonely.

As Reb Zalman stood up to step down from the dais, I was about to stand up, as it was my natural impulse to rise before a great teacher, and a great teaching such as this. And just before I stood up, Art Waskow spoke up saying, "You know I don't usually believe in rising for teachers, but even I think we should rise in appreciation for Reb Zalman this morning!" We all rose, weeping, tissues in hand, and beaming with gratitude for our beloved Reb Zalman and his courage to say these "hard things."

And then Reb Marcia, openly weeping as she first sat down before us, spoke about joy-joy and fear and pain, and of the pain of giving birth that can only happen at all because of a deeply grounded joy that is not all pleasure or "fun" or ease of life. She was radiant, mesmerizing, even while speaking softly. (She told us to "listen harder!") Her relief at the kappara that had just been done, and the miracle of our collective feeling of redemption was spell-binding for us. We might have thought it not possible, but we shed even more tears.

Earlier, in the midst of Reb Zalman's speaking, Reb Zalman had invited Reb Marcia to tell her own story of an incident that had occurred in Yerushalayim the previous Pesach. It was a beautiful, heartbreaking story of the longing that even the most staid Orthodox Jews have for a faith that can be joyful and "fun." Somehow, in that interlacing of Reb Zalman's momentous address to us, with his invitation to Reb Marcia to tell her own story in the middle of his talk, and then with Reb Marcia's speaking of darkness and difficulty and joy and birth right after Reb Zalman, with no break in between-I sensed that our "prophet" was spreading his mantel over her, his worthy successor. Of course we are not a monarchy, and the leadership that Reb Zalman has had as the visionary for Jewish Renewal will be spread out and shared by more than one of our many gifted and brilliant teachers in this generation, as Reb Zalman, despite our protestations, withdraws to do his "December" work. But to my eyes, Reb Marcia looked like a worthy successor indeed, receiving that "double portion" that Elisha had begged from Eliyahu, glowing with the hod that Moshe Rabbenu had imparted to Yehoshua before he was called up to Har Nevo to be taken away by the kiss of God.

Reb Marcia spoke of a beautiful silver flute that she had kept on her mantelpiece for years. A flute which she could not play, but loved to pick up and hold to admire its beauty. Finally, she gave it away to a flute-player, for she knew that that instrument needed to be played.

We all long to be used: to give voice to that which perhaps only we can give voice to-to be instruments for the Ruach haKodesh. And so I give this report: I went outside and walked around Boulder, up a little residential street with a majestic view of the mountains. It was a beautiful, mild, clear day. The snow was melting, the sky so blue-and I felt joy, joy, joy! So lucky to be alive. And to be right at that particular place at that particular time-a truly magnificent moment in our spiritual history. A moment of redemption, of love, of healing, of hope. A moment of yes, some pain, but mostly of joy.

Of course I can only really speak for myself. Yet I believe that it is important, and valuable. I was a witness in Boulder, at the foot of the Rockies, sitting at the feet of these amazing g'dolim, our amazing teachers and spiritual guides, Reb Zalman and Reb Marcia. I stood at the foot of Har Sinai, full of awe and gratitude-and joy.


Shoshana Brown